This Blog Sucks

The Daily WTF?!

2009-06-02T19:26:00.003-07:00

I was going about my day, reading my gossip columns, and I stumbled across an article I was SURE was some sort of a joke. Its not. Apparently Del Monte decided to sculpt Daniel Craig and his man-boobs into a popsicle. Truly stunning. The popsicle apparently comes in Cranberry, Blueberry and Pomegranate flavors and are under 100 calories each. Is it just me, or am I the only one who does not find Daniel Craig attractive AT ALL?!? I would rather eat a popsicle of just about anyone else. Throw me a Brad Pitt popsicle, or perhaps a delightful Christian Bale popsicle. THOSE would be worthwhile. Shit, I think I'd ALMOST rather eat a Gary Busey popsicle. Truthfully, I'm curious to see if the little popsicle sculptors could do justice to his amazingly HUGE teeth. Now THAT is a popsicle project I can get behind.

What You Should Be Listening To If You Aren't Already....

2009-06-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

Kings Of Leon - Notion

Lately, I've been listening to A LOT of Kings Of Leon. I discovered their awesome music late one night while baked out of my tree watching Austin City Limits on PBS. I have absolutely NO clue why I was watching Austin City Limits, I guess when you're high, and you can't find the remote, you'll watch anything to avoid getting up to change the channel. Shit, I'd probably sit and watch the Weather Network for hours on end to avoid getting up to change the channel. Anyhoo...I watched it, saw them perform Taper Jean Girl, and I was hooked. So, I was on the Twitter Machine today, and I follow @Kingsofleonfans and was sent a link for their new video for the song Notion.. I've taken the liberty to embed it here so you can watch and enjoy for yourself. Side note: WOW! I've just recently decided that I find Caleb Followill (the lead singer) to be a sexy beast! For reals. Tall, scruffy, tatoo, and slightly dirty looking. Rarrr.

P.S. You can also go to their website by clicking on the title of this post.

Ahhh...Memories

2009-03-18T19:37:00.001-07:00

This is one of the first NIN videos I ever saw. I remember watching this and being sort of afraid...but in a good way. I watched it again for shits and giggles today. I can't believe this video is already 15 years old. Man do I feel old now. Anyways, watch this, reminisce and be in awe of the awesomeness that is NIN. Also, I'm sad to admit this, but when I watched this video just now, I couldn't stop looking at Trent Reznor's junk. Is it just me, or are those pants a bit snug in the crotchal area? God, I'm such a creep. Just watch the video.

Perhaps One Of The Best Worst Videos Ever Made

2009-03-08T22:01:00.001-07:00

So this afternoon I was sitting around discussing music videos and how much they suck balls nowadays and how they used to be pretty kick ass not that long ago. It really is sad that Much Music and MTV don't actually show videos anymore. Just vapid trash like the Hills and Bromance. Side note: whoever coined the term "Bromance" seriously needs to be shot. For reals. Anyways, I'm getting away from my point. Videos used to be cool. I remember waiting on pins and needles for new videos from certain artists because I KNEW they'd be awesome. Then we started talking about 80's videos and which ones stood out and how some of the bigger budget videos were like little mini-movies and had actual story lines such as that shitty Meatloaf video (actually, there's a couple shitty Meatloaf videos, but you know the one to which I refer), Thriller of course was EPIC, and then there's Hello by Lionel Richie. As you can see from watching it, its an epic piece of art. The blind chick and that bust of Lionel that looks almost nothing like him are just priceless. This might just be one of the best worst videos ever. Although I guess for the time it was made, it was pretty cool. Anyways, thoughts? should I post more of some awesome 80's videos?

This Makes Me Feel Better About Myself...

2009-02-09T20:00:00.006-08:00

As you may or may not know, I was off work on Friday, and my good friend T-Bone was off in Spokane, so sadly that left me with many many many hours to troll the internet for pointless crap. I stumbled across a site called Fuck My Life. Its so sad, so pathetic, and yet so entertaining. It contains such gems as "I was surfing the internet today, and I found a picture of my girlfriend on Uglypeople.com., FML" BEST.SITE.EVER. If you want to feel better about yourself, have a look at this site. If you click the title of this post, it should take you to this site.

BEST.VIDEO.EVER!!!

2009-02-07T20:35:00.001-08:00

I don't know why, but this video makes my day. Its 2 old ladies beating the shit out of each other with their purses. I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Thank GOD some douche with a camera had the good sense to tape this moment and post it on the internet.

I REALLY Need To Stop..

2009-02-03T20:46:00.004-08:00

For reals. This Lil' Wayne app is making me do bad things to good pics. Just look at me turning Trent Reznor into a hip hop thug. I wonder if there might be a support group for me and other losers with this problem? *sigh*

I'm Co-Dependant...

2009-02-03T19:42:00.003-08:00

So, as I sit here watching Project Runway Canada, I start thinking that Trefor should really be watching this with me. I'm positive he'd find this show enjoyable. Then I realize that Trefor is leaving this weekend and now I'm all bummed. I'm going to be so bored! Who am I going to email my witty observations to? We talk ALL day long.

Costco Rules!!!

2009-01-31T20:29:00.003-08:00

That's right. I said it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Today I was super bored, and I went to Costco to buy some yoga pants for lounging purposes (yeah right, like I'd actually do yoga). I also bought a bag of Peanut M&M's that weighs about 2.5lbs for $7.00. I know. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be diabetic by weeks end. But who can resist a bag of candy that size for that crazy price? certainly not I.

BEST.PRODUCT.EVER!

2009-01-25T17:29:00.005-08:00

I've always been fascinated by the Chia Pet, and I've always wanted one. Let me assure you, they are not the easiest items to find in stores. Apparently the Chia Pet is quite popular. I went to the Chia website today, and found that you can get a Homer Simpson chia, a Bart Simpson chia, a Shaggy Chia, the Chia Professor, The Chia Dude, The Chia Herb Garden, and a vast selection of Chia animals such as the Chia Hippo, the Chia Cow, and the Chia Alligator. Then, I saw that in honor of Barack Obama becoming the 44th President, they've introduced 2 special limited edition Obama Chias! It has the Best.Tagline.Ever! Can you grow one? Yes you can! hehhehehe. Funny. So yeah, I think I'm going to pre-order one on Amazon.ca. No stock is expected until March, but I'm pretty sure its up there with the Sham-Wow in terms of Must Have-ness. Did you know that the company that makes the Chia Pet also makes The Clapper? did you know they still make The Clapper?

Does This Look Like President Obama?

2009-01-25T10:19:00.002-08:00

Yay! gone is the era of George Bush! No more Freedom Fries, no more fear mongering, and no more of that dumb hick destroying the world. So in honor of the fact that Bush has left office, and Barack Obama moved in, I thought I'd take to the interwebs to see what kind of crazy commemorative merchandise is being made. There is SO MUCH stuff. Buttons, t-shirts, stickers, coins, commemorative plates, bobble heads, and of course...the mighty mighty action figure. Then I found this. Its the Obama doll. I'm not so sure it really looks like Obama though. Am I alone in thinking this looks a bit more like Today Show weatherman Al Roker?

I'm Officially Off The Cigarettes!

2009-01-22T21:13:00.001-08:00

I just made it through my first COMPLETELY smoke free day. That's right folks.. I'm officially 100% off the pot, and the cigarettes. Going through my first smoke free day wasn't too terrible. Although I do want a cigarette pretty bad right now. I just hope I don't end up like the chick in the commercial. I can see it happening.

I Think I'm A Bit Confused

2009-01-22T20:57:00.001-08:00

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but do the Amish people not shun electricity and technology? now knowing this, would you really want to purchase an ELECTRIC fire place supposedly built by the Amish? Call me crazy, but I wouldn't think that they'd be all that great at constructing something that runs on electricity. Have The SImpsons taught us nothing? do we not remember what happened when Homer had the Amish folk build Bart's tree house, only to have the electrical fail and the whole tree house go up in flames? just asking.

Trefor's Secret Identity

2009-01-22T20:36:00.002-08:00

In between responding to the seemingly never ending avalanche of hate mail we receive daily at work, I was emailing Trefor. While discussing the lunches we'd be eating today, Trefor said he'd be having some sort of pasta dish (I think), and it sounded WAAAY better than my stupid ham and cheese sandwich. I asked if Trefor cooked the yummy lunch and he said he did. Then he divulged that he's actually Betty Crocker. THE Betty Crocker. I have to admit that I found his claim highly suspect as most people know that like Santa, there is no Betty Crocker. Although, after extensive research, I did find that if you email Betty, she will write you back. Or someone who may or may not be Trefor will write you back. Either way...its odd.

I Just Ordered From Sephora!

2009-01-18T20:59:00.005-08:00

Sephora is like mecca for me. Every time I go to the US for shopping or vacation purposes, I absolutely HAVE to go to Sephora. They finally put one in Edmonton, and then I moved to Vancouver. So disappointing. Although, I am told that we are going to be getting one here in Vancouver down on Robson. One can only dream. Anyways, I'm kind of obsessed with this reality show called Blow Out. Its about Jonathan Antin who is a pretty famous hair stylist in LA, and the first season of the show follows him as he opens a second salon in Beverly Hills, and the second season is all about him launching his Jonathan line of hair care products. Me being the sucker for hair care and other such products that I am, of course freaked out when I saw them on the Sephora website. It also doesn't hurt that I consider him to be a sexy beast. So, I just spent $24.57 on some Philosophy Purity Made Simple facial cleanser. I work for Lush, but I'm sorry to say, I'm not impressed with their facial cleansers, and $32.50 for 5.1oz of Jonathan No-Frizz Hydrating Balm. It got good reviews on the Sephora website, and God knows that I need something to help my hair stay awesome and straight in this GD humidity here in Vancouver. So, here's hoping its a worth while $32.50. If not, I may be inclined to write Jonathan Antin a strongly worded letter.

Best.App.Ever

2009-01-16T21:34:00.002-08:00

I'm not a big fan of Lil' Wayne or his music, but I am certainly a big fan of his app for the iPod Touch, and the iPhone. It lets you take pics of just about anything, and as I like to say, "Lil' Wayne-ify" them. I've probably been having more fun with this than one person should. You can add his "Bling" (God I hate that word), his sunglasses, his hair and baseball caps and even his tatoos to pics of friends and family. This is just a small sampling of my work.

I Did It Again...

2009-01-16T21:32:00.001-08:00

I was making some delicious pasta salad for dinner tonight. In the process of cutting cheese into cubes, I sliced into my thumb. It was not pretty. It made me think of the time I sliced off the tip of my finger with one of those Starfrit veggie slicers. Also...not pretty. I was also reminded of this classic clip from the movie UHF. I think its fitting.

Worst.Remake.Ever.

2009-01-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

Prom Night is on Movie Central right now. I saw that movie in the theatre, and thought it sucked. Today I saw it was on tv and thought I'd give it another try. Guess what? It still sucks. That is all.

Thank God For Super Cool iPod Apps!!

2009-01-15T21:44:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I just downloaded an iBlog app that allows me to post directly from my snazzy iPod Touch. I also managed to find an app that allows me to Lil Wayne-ify pics of my friends and loved ones, and an app that does nothing but play Mr. T quotes. Simply stunning.

NPH on SNL

2009-01-12T20:50:00.001-08:00

OMG. N.P.H was the host of SNL this weekend, and I have to say. He totally killed it. His monolog kicked ass, and this digital short was awesome. N.P.H forever!

Because I Wasn't Already Completely Obsessed With The Sham-Wow, They Had To Go And Make This...

2009-01-11T11:16:00.001-08:00

That's right folks...Sham-Wow Vince is back. This time its with the Slap Chop. I have to admit that I'm a sucker for useless kitchen gadgets as well as bad infomercials. Here, I get the best of both worlds. Just watch..I promise you'll want one. And for only $19.95! What incredible value! Also, if you click on the title of this post, you'll be taken to the Official Slap Chop website. You can watch the extended infomercial there. God I love useless products.

And Just Because I Found It...

2009-01-09T23:39:00.001-08:00

And the shot of the scooters at the Grand Canyon makes me laugh, I thought I'd post this gem.

I Think I Need This...

2009-01-09T23:30:00.001-08:00

Yesterday morning, I was SO sleepy, so when I got up at the crack of dawn to go to work, I decided I'd use my Up You Gets Emotibomb because its all citrusy and would help wake me up a bit. In case you are wondering an Emotibomb is like a Bath Bomb, but for your shower. You put it on the floor of your shower, and as it dissolves, it releases some pretty intense aroma therapy. So I used the Emotibomb, and I guess it made the shower floor a bit slippery, because, I went to grab my body wash, and before I knew it, I was falling. In the shower. And it hurt. Bad. So after the initial shock of actually falling in the shower well before my senior years wore off, I dried off, and very carefully got out of the tub and slunk off to my room hoping that my sister didn't hear the horrifying thud I made as I hit the floor of the tub. So, today, I'm left with a gross purple bruise about the size of an apple on the right side of me bum, and some super awesome bruising on my right elbow and my right knee. I can't help but think I should sue Lush for this, but seeing as how I work for them, it might not be the best course of action. So instead, maybe I'll just get Lifecall. It seems to work for the dude having chest pains, and the lady on the floor of the bathroom who can't get up. Do they even make this anymore? do you think its like the Brinks Home Security Monitoring Centre? they just have dudes sitting around in uniform waiting for old ladies to let you know they've fallen?

Completely F**k WalMart

2009-01-09T22:35:00.004-08:00

So, after T-Bone and I got back from Vegas, I decided that I needed to enlarge some pics from the NIN concert as well as some cool pics of Vegas sights. So foolishly, I uploaded the pics to the Wal-Mart photolab here in Burnaby, and Really, I guess I should know better because its fucking Wal Mart, but I've dealt with the photolab for my enlargements back in Edmonton, and had super awesome service. The pics were always good quality, and I could go and pick them up about an hour or so after the initial files were uploaded to their site. So, when I uploaded the pics to the Burnaby site, I was told it would be 5-7 business days. Fine, that's cool, it was close to Christmas, I could deal with that. So, 5-7 business days, comes....and then goes. About 12 business days AFTER the initial 5-7 day wait, I call and ask what the deal is with my order. They check, and its only 40% done. So yesterday, I FINALLY get the call that my prints are done. Praise Jebus! So I go in after work tonight, and I pick up my prints, after about a bajillion years of waiting, and I get them, and THEY WERE ROLLED UP! do you know what a fucking pain in the ass it is to try to properly centre a print in a frame if it won't lay flat?! WTF?! at least at the Edmonton locations, aside from the uber fast service, they gave you the prints in a FLAT envelope for easy framing. Regardless to say, I'm pretty choked at this whole experience, and my displeasure, nay, disgust will be voiced in a strongly worded email to their customer service department. I am NOT pleased. As such, completely fuck Wal Mart. Not cool. Not at all. BOOOOOOOOOO Wal Mart.

What Will They Make Next?

2009-01-06T23:18:00.002-08:00

If you know me, you know of my fondness for the Golden Girls. Turns out some other freakshow loves the Golden Girls more than I do because they made Golden Girls dolls. This site actually makes many dolls. Each of which look creepier than shit. But seriously, if I had hundreds of dollars to waste, I'd so get the whole set. I could play for hours making Rose say stupid things, then I could make Sophia interrupt her and call her an idiot and then I could make her turn around and call Blanche a slut, then I could make Dorothy say "Shady Pines Ma!! Shady Pines!". Actually, maybe I shouldn't start saving for my Golden Girls dolls just yet. I think I might actually have a bit TOO much fun playing with them. But seriously, I think a Dorothy Zbornak doll just might make my life. OMG...the only thing worse might be if someone made a Trent Reznor doll. Sweet Jesus, we'd really be in trouble then. Have a look at the site, and the many many other creepy dolls they make. I promise after you look at the Nicole Kidman/ Moulin Rouge doll you won't sleep for a week. For reals. http://www.newbreen.com/celebritydolls.html

How Embarrassing..

2009-01-06T22:45:00.003-08:00

I feel bad for this dude. I really do. But on the other hand, I can't say that I wouldn't have been laughing my ass off at this. It seems this poor bastard was on a ski lift, and something went wrong, and he ended up dangling from the chair lift by his ski boot, and his pants and gonch came down and literally left him hanging out in the wind. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to end up stuck on a ski lift like that and then to have your junk hanging out for all to see? Thank GOD people have no decency and were there to start snapping photos and post them on the interweb. Check out the video of the whole debacle below.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The Best & Worst of 2008 Year End Round Up

2008-12-30T22:59:00.003-08:00

Truthfully, this is only part one. I think. Unless I get lazy and decide to not post any more highlights or lowlights from the year that was 2008. Which is entirely possible because lately I seem to have the attention span of a house fly.

ANYWAYS, I've decided to post some of the highs and lows of the year that was, and what better way to get the ball rolling than with my favorite bitchy fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld. Seriously..no one does bitchy better than this man. His talent is undeniable (HELLO Chanel!) but its his catty comments that make him so, so awesome. He is the most superficial man on the planet. This man hates just about everyone, and truly thinks he's better than you. A few months ago, I actually meant to post about an interview I read with him where he gives his two cents on just about every possible corner of society and then rips them to shreds. Turns out old Karl hates fat people, children, charity work, journalists, intellectuals, and pretty much everyone. The interview was part of a Sunday Times profile, and I swear its the best thing I've ever read. EVER.

The Karl's thoughts on Journalists: “I have no problem with journalists – many are friends. Only if they are really stupid, or if they’ve got bad breath, or if they smell. Yesterday [after the Chanel couture show] I had a problem. I said, ‘I’m sorry, you’ve got to tell this woman that she needs to be taken away. Her smell is not possible.’ ”

The Karl's thoughts on fat people: "Yes, new Russian girls are like this (very thin). But this is a subject I won't discuss. You know why? In France there are a large percentage of young girls who are overweight and less than one percent are skinny. So let's talk about the 25 percent who have a weight problem, or are overweight. We don't need to discuss the less than one percent. Anorexia is nothing to do with fashion. These Russian girls are so young. Chinese ones are skinny, too, and bony. I don't think it's a subject to discuss. And in today's world, many people take drugs, not only models, hmm? It's an unnecessary subject. Let's talk about the fat ones."- Wow.

The Karl's thoughts on Charity work: "I live in certain isolation. I never take appointments in the morning. I leave my house only after lunch. I don't want to have a social life. I've had enough of that in my life. It's demode. It's another era. Perhaps people are still excited by that era, but not me. It's uninteresting today. It says nothing. It's boring, pretentious and vulgar...Even for charity, people get paid. I try to avoid charity. It doesn't happen for me. I'm rich enough not to have to do that. Thank God I don't have to do that. I do a lot of unnecessary things for free, but I'm very much against that. Money itself isn't interesting, the use of it is."-Truly stunning.

The Karl's thoughts on Children: "That's the last thing I want (is to have a child). I hate all children. For other people, it's fine, but not for me. I was born not to be a family person." - I do have to agree with him here. In Karl's words "Children are Demode"

The Karl's thoughts on Intellectuals: “I’m mad for books, It is a disease I won’t recover from. They are the tragedy of my life. I want to learn about everything. I want to know everything, but I’m not an intellectual, and I don’t like their company." - Meow!

The interview is much longer, these are just spectacular snipets of how his snobby, deranged mind works, but I absolutely LOVE it. So old, so bitchy, so awesome. In fact, he's so bitchy, that I'm sure if given the chance, he'd use common folk like us as a carpet so he wouldn't have to step in anything undesirable in the shoes he buys a size too small. For that, he is definitely a highlight of 2008! Although, since its December 30, I guess it would be fair to say that 2008 is "Demode", and 2009 is "what's hot, what's fresh" Viva La Karl!

I'm....I Don't Really Know What To Do With This...

2008-12-18T20:35:00.001-08:00

Truthfully, there are SO many things going through my head after viewing this piece of crap. I guess the first, is WHY? Why does this exist? and more importantly WHY did I actually sit through the entire 4 minutes and 8 seconds of this craptastic production? and I guess another thing is that I am SO thankful that the Canadian government doesn't waste tax payer money on shit like this! I've seen better production value in my sisters vacation videos. I really don't know why I watched it all...I really don't. Its 4 minutes and 8 seconds I'm not getting back. Shit.

SIGH Yet Another Reason To Hate The Red States....

2008-12-18T20:34:00.004-08:00

Although truthfully, I don't know if Pennsylvania is a Red state, but anyways, I'm getting off topic. So today, I'm on www.msnbc.com getting my daily news fix. I swear since I've moved here to Vancouver, I feel so ignorant, my upkeep on current events has been spotty at best. But anyways, I'm reading the news and I come across the story here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28269290/?gt1=43001 which is about the uproar in some shitty Pennsylvania town because some racist red-neck hicks had a kid and named it Adolph Hitler Campbell. No, sadly its not a joke. Turns out little Hitler is turning 3, and his parents were pissed because the people at the local Shop-Rite had some balls and told them to go get their kids cake at some other store that supports mass murder and general hatred (note it was ultimately Wal-Mart who put the kids name on the cake...what does that tell you?)

So of course I have a problem with all of this. You can't name your kids Adolph Hitler Campbell and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and not be racist, or not expect that you'll run into problems like this. Its not like you named your kid Oprah or after someone else everyone loves. Of course the father of these future Klan members goes on in the article to talk about how he isn't racist, that he wasn't brought up to avoid people of other races, but he just wasn't supposed to mix with them socially or romantically. So if that isn't racist, tell me what is? cause I'm pretty sure, that's racism. Never mind the problems these poor bastard kids are going to face later in life when god forbid, they become functioning members of society who actually have to work for a living. Would you hire someone named Hitler? cause I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. I also have a problem with this, because racism is learned at home, and if those are the kinds of values those parents are instilling in those kids, then I seriously weep for the future of America. Of course this only further highlights the cultural differences between Canada and the US even more. We don't teach our kids to hate here. We are a proud multi cultural nation, and I for one am now even happier that I'm Canadian.

PLEASE Jebus!!! Let It Be True!!!!

2008-11-12T23:39:00.003-08:00

OMGOMGOMGOMG!!! Cue William Hung and The Hung Jury!! It looks like the Arrested Development MOVIE is happening!!! Please Jebus!! Let it be true! I really don't think I can take it if its not. They've been toying with me for so, so long about this prospect. For those who haven't been following the movie drama, here's a quick refresher. Back in December, both Jeffrey Tambour (aka George Bluth Sr.) and Jason Bateman confirmed that there would in fact be an Arrested Development movie coming in the next year or so. Fans the world over lost their shit (myself included), and that was all we heard on it for a while. Then, not too long after the initial commotion came word that it wouldn't be happening because Michael Cera (aka George Michael Bluth) wasn't interested in going down that road again. I think this quote summed up his feelings at the time: "I don't think I would want to see a movie of the series if I was a fan, anyway…And I don't really see a need for it if you can get the three seasons on DVD." That pretty much squashed any hope of a movie starring my beloved Bluths.

Then...today came the word. Jeffrey Tambor confirmed that he has indeed been contacted by series creator Mitch Hurwitz and that the movie is happening! you can see the interview here: http://www.collider.com/entertainment/interviews/article.asp?aid=9816&tcid=1

Cheers & Jeers!!!

2008-11-12T23:23:00.003-08:00

Its been a LOONNNGGG time since I've done my Cheers & Jeers, and I'm totally overflowing with criticisms AND compliments all at once. Its confusing to say the least, so with that in mind, I'll get on with it.

First the Jeers! Jeers to Vancouver Translink! that's right! I said it! Translink sucks balls! Time and time again it has completely let me down in some form or another. First, was the day they couldn't get their shit together, and no trains were making it past the 22nd Street station, but for some reason, none of the Transit people seemed to know that. End result: me getting downtown for an interview more than 45 minutes late. Completely unacceptable. Then, the stupid airport bus is full ALL the time, and not one, or two, but THREE freaking buses passed me by the other day while I was trying to get home because they were all too full. Then tonight, I'm trying to get home on that very same bus. That bus is supposed to come at 7:37pm. 7:37 comes and goes, then pretty soon its 7:45, then its 7:50, then its 7:55, and then 8:00. Finally at 8:01 the bus shows up, with the next bus right behind it. I swear to GOD this is the most unreliable transit system EVER. Booooooooooo Translink!!! You suck!!!!

Now with the Cheers!!! Cheers to www.Hotels.ca!! time and time again I've managed to score kick ass hotel rates! I'm sometimes tempted to try sites like Hotwire and Priceline, but quite frankly, I'm deathly afraid. They don't give you the name of the hotel until you've booked your non-refundable room, and paid in full. What if its not up to my standards?? I just can't chance that! my comfort is my number one concern! and lets not forget my personal policy of not staying in an establishment 3 stars or less. So that's why I have come to rely on sites like fabulous Hotels.ca! For instance, I just booked a kick ass hotel room at The Fairmont Empress Hotel in lovely Victoria for when I go see Nine Inch Nails next month! a 5 star property, a kick ass room with serious perks, and a fab rate of only $128!!! How can one go wrong? Not to mention the numerous cheap hotel rates I've purchased for previous stays in Las Vegas! I salute you Hotels.ca! Top drawer!

Just Because....

2008-11-09T19:12:00.001-08:00

Just because its November 9th today, and I'm seeing NIN in Victoria on December 5th in just 26 freaking days, and then again in Las Vegas in 34 freaking days, I thought I'd post this kick ass clip of them doing Me, I'm Not live from somewhere in Europe. Sigh...He's awesome. I can't wait. I'm probably not going to be able to sleep in a few weeks until I go. These trips may even be better than Christmas and Halloween put together. Maybe.

My Chi Straightening Iron, Or, The Greatest Thing Ever Crafted By Man...Ever.

2008-11-03T20:25:00.006-08:00

So since I've made the move from the dry punishing weather in good old Alberta, for the muggy and humid climate here in Vancouver, my hair has taken a bit of a hit. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but back in Edmonton, my hair kicked ass. It was always healthy, its shiny, it smells awesome, and most importantly, it stayed straight when I straightened it. I know that made me sound like a conceited asshole, but I'm trying to paint a picture here, so work with me people!!!

So anyways, since I've moved here, I've found that when I did straighten my hair, as soon as I stepped outside (and sometimes just our patio door had to be open), the humidity would get to me and my hair would frizz and pouff out and start to curl like it has a tendency to do. So then, the other day at work, we were discussing hair care, and wouldn't you know it, I work with a former stylist. She told me that my straightening iron wasn't getting hot enough, and that's why it would make my hair straight, but it wouldn't last.

She recommended that I invest in a Chi straightener. Turns out the Chi costs a pretty penny. Regular prices are around $300. I was in a wholesale beauty supply store over the weekend, and found one for $174.99. T-Bone, who was with me saw the price, and I really think he may have peed. Just a little bit. So, determined to have glorious straight hair once again, I bit the bullet and paid the $174.99 for the stupid straightening iron. Mine looks exactly like the one in the picture, except mine is white and not blue. So this morning, I put it to the test. It was pouring rain here this morning, and I had to walk to the train and then to work from the train, so I straightened my hair and set out for the day. To my surprise, I am sitting here, and its 8:39pm, and out of all the walking and being outside I did today, only the very tips of my hair are starting to curl out. But not in an unpleasant way...it looks like it looks when I round brush my hair. I have to say, this is literally the BEST $174.99 I have ever spent on ANYTHING in my life. I'm not exaggerating. This straightening iron is perhaps the greatest thing ever crafted by man.

**UPDATE**
Wow!! This might literally be one of if not the most vapid thing I've ever posted about. I do realize that there are more pressing issues in this world right now, like the election, the financial crisis that seems to be gripping the entire planet, and yet I chose to ramble on about a fucking straightening iron. I'm SO sorry. I realize this post must have been about as challenging and stimulating as an episode of The Hills.

This Is Why I Think All Teenagers Are Dumb Bastards...

2008-10-24T23:28:00.005-07:00

Today is the day that I officially gave up on the entire youth population. I have rendered them ALL officially useless. How, you ask, can I write off an entire generation of hopeful young people who have never directly done anything to me???? well, let me tell you how.

Today, started off like any other day. I got up, smoked a bowl, and watched the Cold Case Files on A&E. I had my Corn Flakes, and then decided to go pick up the package I had waiting at the post office since I had a car at my disposal today. Since the postal outlet is in a 7-11, I decided to get myself a quality Slurpee, and I grabbed a few other various sundry items and waited patiently in line. The line-up was about 5 people deep. There's some old lady, my sister, some fat guy, 2 obnoxious teenage girls, and me. Since the guy at the till is working at the excruciatingly slow pace of a snail, the 2 half-wits in front of me start perusing the tabloid headlines and come across something about Oprah. People who know me, know I love Oprah, and I think even though she's super preachy at times, she does good things for people. BUT, I also don't get upset when people voice their opinions to the contrary. Anyways, I'm standing there listening to Dumb and Dumber read the headlines and make their "Witty Observations" and then the fat one comes to the headline about Oprah and then says in complete seriousness "OMG..I hate Oprah so much. She says she's trying to change the world and stuff, but no one cares and she should quit because she's not pretty" WHAT THE FUCK??? did I just hear that? for reals? she should stop trying to help people and make a difference and people don't care because SHE'S NOT PRETTY?????!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure I had to pick my jaw up off the floor after I heard that. I was dumbfounded!! how could anyone be so fucking retarded that they would utter such a sentence in public? After the initial shock wore off and I listened to this vapid moron continue on about how shallow she is and how cool it is that she's shallow, my hulk like rage began to build. SHE was one to talk about not being pretty. She was wearing a denim skirt that was WAY too tight, and her leggings looked like sausage casings for her fat sausage legs. I swear to GOD, I really don't think I've ever wanted to punch anyone in the mouth more than I did that stupid fat turd at that moment. The only thing I can really say is that its quite obvious that the only thing this chick will EVER contribute to society are fat stupid babies that will grow up to be fat, stupid adults that make more fat, stupid babies. Congratulations Stupid Fat Girl at the 7-11!! you'll leave quite the legacy. You have absolutely nothing useful to offer society. Your parents must be SO proud. Their complete lack of interest in you has obviously paid off big time. Attached, is an artists rendering (not mine) of what I think the stupid fat girl at the 7-11 will look like when she becomes a stupid fat adult.

Redemption!!!!

2008-10-19T11:02:00.002-07:00

I knew something felt wrong about me having to scribble Marky Mark off my Hot List. As I posted last, pissy pants was apparently super pissed off by Andy Samberg's impression of him on SNL last week. Fast forward to this week, and Marky Mark was on SNL last night "confronting" Andy Samberg about the aforementioned impression. The results: HILARIOUS!! and that means I can totally pencil Marky Mark back into his position on my list. Thank Jebus! that made for an odd couple of days.

This IS Funny...Regardless of What Marky Mark Wants You To Think.

2008-10-16T22:51:00.002-07:00

So, a couple of weeks ago, I was watching SNL, and one of the last sketches of the night was Mark Wahlberg talking to animals. It was actually Andy Samberg as Mark Wahlberg, and I'm pretty sure they just had some extra time towards the end of the show and figured that would be a good way to fill it.. Turns out Marky Mark is seriously super pissed about this sketch. I personally find it HILARIOUS, and now that I know he hates it and has NO sense of humor, I think I like it even more. For spite. Hence, I've posted it here so everyone can watch it OVER and OVER again, and laugh AT Marky Mark. Not with him. AT him. I'd laugh WITH him if he had a sense of humor about himself, but he doesn't. Marky Mark has just slipped on my Hot List. He is now officially on the "Whiny Bitch" list....next to Tobey Maguire as Spiderman.

Sweet Jesus!

2008-10-16T14:32:00.006-07:00

So I'm just going about my daily routine and reading all my gossip blogs, and in doing so I come across this:

Believe it or not, this is Christina Aguilera. I know. I was shocked too. She seriously looks like the offspring of a circus clown and Donatella Versace. Don't believe me? see below...

Donatella......

Clown.......

Would You Vote For This??

2008-10-16T13:56:00.005-07:00

Anyone who has spoken with me in the last 8 years, knows of my obsessive hatred for George W. Bush. I find him to be exceptionally inept, and I blame him for single handedly ruining pretty much the entire world. Naturally, my hatred extends to ALL Republicans...and thus, John McCain and Sarah Palin. As the election is fast approaching, and the last Presidential debate is now complete, Americans should be paying attention to the candidates now more than ever. Especially McCain. Having followed this election myself for the better part of the year, I've had the pleasure of watching Barack Obama beat out Hilary Clinton for the Democratic nomination, and even better, I've been able to watch John McCain essentially shoot himself in the foot. Time and time again. I'm telling you this shit is better than a soap opera. His campaign couldn't be more transparent..and I don't mean that in a good way. This is a man who seems to be growing more and more desperate every day he and his party slips in the polls. He and his moose killing running mate, seem to be grasping at straws.

This is a man who rather than face his first debate opted to "Suspend" his campaign to "focus on the economic crisis". Sure, major banks collapsing do pose a huge problem, BUT, shouldn't a good leader be able to multi-task? this is also the same party that in a HUGELY pathetic attempt to lure female democrats who were pissed off Hilary lost, brought in a GROSSLY in-experienced hick to run for VP. Stunningly, the Republicans actually managed to find someone with intelligence levels LOWER than those of Georgie Bush. I didn't think it was possible, but then I watched Sarah Palin speak. Wow. Would you want someone to be one heartbeat away from running the US who can't even name ONE newspaper or magazine that they lie about reading? I certainly would not. Also, McCain is just plain OLD. Dude maybe has 3 or 4 more years before ALL his marbles are gone. Just looking at him during the debates last night, one gets the sense that the lights are on, someone might be home, but they can't necessarily find the door. He looks confused at the best of times..I think the picture above pretty much solidifies that.

Since I'm On The Subject Of Kool Aid...

2008-10-13T17:19:00.001-07:00

After posting that picture from before, I was reminded of this little gem from The Office. SO funny.

That Dude Is Out Of Control

2008-10-13T17:10:00.004-07:00

For serious...the Kool-Aid Man is out to bust some shit up. I have no idea where this place is, but clearly, he has struck again, and judging by the posters, he's hardcore. OH YEAH!!!

I Thought I Lived In Alberta, Apparently, I Live In Kentucky.

2008-09-24T09:01:00.002-07:00

So I'm driving to work this morning, and I'm following this white pick up truck. The back of the truck is loaded with cardboard boxes and there was also a poor dog stuck riding in the back. I can honestly say I really hate when people transport their dogs in the backs of pick up trucks. How much more irresponsible can you be with your pet?? But that's a tangent for another day. Getting back to this truck, the bumper and back window of this thing were covered in stickers. Not just stickers, but perhaps the WORST stickers I've ever seen. Most of these stickers were just dumb, but one offended me. He had several stickers relating to beer and hunting, and my personal favorite was on the lift gate right in the middle under the handle. It said "My those boobs look heavy, can I hold them for you?" doesn't that SCREAM class? I chuckled and thought "loser", and then... it happened, I saw... IT. The sticker that made me decide that I hated the douche driving the pick up truck. It was a sticker that stated his position on the issue of gay marriage. He was opposed. I should say that the sticker itself didn't have offensive words on it, it just said "Marriage= Man + Woman" HOWEVER, I do find his views on the issue extrememly offensive. Call me crazy, but I just don't understand how in this day and age, that people can think that its OK for certain groups to have all the rights and freedoms in the world, while other groups only selected rights that should be afforded to EVERYONE. I do realize that we live in a free country, and that people should be able to express their views openly and freely, but that very same freedom also allows me to hate him and his outdated, irresponsible hillbilly views. I'll bet you this is they type of guy who "Works for the weekend", working 9-5 in some crappy job that requires him to literally get his hands dirty, where he then goes home to his run down house with the brown patches in the lawn, his Dude Beer(yes such a product really exists) and his big haired wife, who also happens to be his sister. When will people wake up and realize that there is just no place for closed mindedness like that in this world? Anyways, I ranted, now I'm done.

Just When I Thought He Couldn't Get ANY Cooler, He Had To Go And Do This....

2008-09-03T14:58:00.002-07:00

OMG..I know, I know. I sound like a broken record lately with the "OMGILoveTrentReznorAndIWantToTouchHim" stuff, but seriously..how could anyone NOT love him after the kick ass upgrades he made to his website. I thought it was cool before that a band actually kept a regularly updated tour blog. Most say they do, but update like twice and never again. So, you can imagine my surprise today when I checked back (for about the 70th time today), and its an ALL NEW www.nin.com!!! so cool in fact that it has a LARGE selection of NIN tracks available on an embeddable music player, a social networking feature, customizable user profiles, discussion forums, the aforementioned frequently updated photo blog, AND ( I know, like you can handle more!) if you have the musical ability and inclination, my boyfriend has put the tracks for most of his songs up on the website for fans to play with and remix! Name me one other artist that does that!!! you can't! because there isn't one. Its now 100% official! Trent Reznor has surpassed Bono as the Coolest Human On Earth.

A Memo To The Drunk Dude Across The Street From Me

2008-09-03T08:37:00.003-07:00

September 3, 2008

Dear Drunk Dude Across The Street From Me,

Over the years we've witnessed you many times, in many states of drunkeness, most of which have proved to be highly comical for us, your neighbors. Most of us have simply shrugged and said "Oh...that's just Crazy Drunk Dude, don't mind him" when witnessing you staggering and weaving down the street, or remembering fondly the time you stood at your front step and proceeded to stab the lock on with your key in futility, and then giggled when you just gave up and had a nap on the front step. None of us have even minded the times when you went outside and tried to fix that flat tire on your van in ill fitting shorts and a dirty undershirt. I simply MUST however, voice my displeasure, nay, my disgust at your latest forray further into the stereotypical white trash abyss by trying to fix the aforementioned flat tire IN YOUR ILL FITTING SHORTY BATHROBE!!!!!!

Sweet Jesus sir! what ARE you thinking? you squatting down in an un-flattering position in a shorty robe is SO not what I want to see when I pull up in front of my house. I understand that sometimes lounge wear is a much more appealing alternative than regular normal human clothes. I understand that the flat tire on your van is the bane of your existance, and I'm "hip" as to why you feel the need to try to tackle that tire when your wasted. I get it. Its a project...it fills your day. But maybe instead of filling your day with JUST beer, you could try filling your day with beer and laundry...for ALL of our sakes. Seriously. That robe isn't doing your or anyone any favors. One strong breeze and they'll be arresting your for showing off your bits and pieces to the neighborhood kids. It won't be pretty. Heed my warning now Drunk Dude Across The Street From Me! burn the shorty robe and if you can't go back to human clothes, at least consider going back to the ill fitting shorts. Anything is better than that damn robe.

Sincerely,

Me

SO EXCITED I Could Spray Puke!

2008-08-16T22:04:00.004-07:00

OMGOMGOMG! BEST.DAY.EVER. It has been announced that my musician boyfriend Trent Reznor will be bringing his kick ass band Nine Inch Nails back through Canada and parts of the US that are close to Canada in an effort to see more of me. OK, so I can't really back up that part about seeing more of me, but I will be seeing him December 5th in Victoria, and HOPEFULLY in Las Vegas on my 3rd annual Christmas Las Vegas trip with my BFF T-Bone. How serendipitous is it that he picked December 13th to play Vegas? because that's when we always go. So maybe he is trying to see more of me. Or maybe I should lay off the pot. Either way, please look at this lovely promotional shot of the band. Doesn't Trent Reznor look all dark and artisty and brooding? and can I also point out that the dude on the far left is WAAAY back in the shot. That's how they make my boyfriend look a bit less petite through the magic of photography. Even though he's a mini-hulk, he's still cool.

Boy Did I Pick The Wrong Place To Park My Car!

2008-08-15T10:08:00.002-07:00

So last night started out as innocently as any other evening. I left work for the day, stopped at "Safeway" on the way home, had some dinner, sat around and putzed on the computer. Then, at like 8:00pm, I realized I needed some items from Shoppers Drug Mart.I asked my sister if she wanted to come with, and we stopped at "Safeway" on the way and decided to go to a different Shoppers Drug Mart location than the one we normally frequent. So I pull in, we get out, do our shopping, and as my sister is paying for her items, I tell her that I'll be waiting in the car and with that I turn and I leave. Now we couldn't have been in the store for more than 20 minutes or so. I walk out the door, and I look towards my car and I do a double take. Standing in front of my car is a police officer with a LARGE gun pointed in the direction of the shitty blue Neon parked directly beside me. Then, out of nowhere, there's an unmarked police car, and an unmarked SUV and a regular marked car that shows up, and then all of a sudden there are about 8 cops screaming for people to get back and for the dirty crackheads in the shitty blue Neon to get out of the car. So one by one the smart people start getting out of the car and laying on the ground, all except for one hold out. He started screaming about his rights and asking why the cops had to "Play him like that". Then, his old lady started screaming about how "She hasn't done nothing wrong" and "I don't know why I'm being arrested! I haven't done nothin'" No honey, you might not have done anything, but you do need to be punished for that bad grammar. I swear to GOD, I was in white trash HEAVEN! All I needed to make the evening complete would have been for the guy who wouldn't get out of the car right away to take off his shirt and try to make a run for it like they always do on COPS. Seriously...its just not an episode of COPS without the shirtless take-down. *SIGH* I LOVE living on the South Side. Its so Ghetto now.

This Is The Best Show Ever....

2008-05-25T09:19:00.001-07:00

Seriously. I usually hate MTV, but my sister got me on to this show, and it may just be the best show ever. Its about a pro street skater (Rob), and his bodyguard (Big), and their hijinks together. The clip above has stayed with me for DAYS. That net gun is perhaps the coolest thing I've ever seen. So cool I decided I wanted one for myself. So I did some research. The net gun is called the Net-2000. Its $459, and it has to be brought over from China. So it'll probably be lead coated too. SIGH.....I wish I had money for cool toys like that. I guess I'll just have to stick with Pepper Spray. Humorous note, the website acknowledges its use on the show, and stresses that it is for animal capture, or self defense ONLY.

I Probably Wouldn't Eat This..Even If I Liked Yogurt.

2008-04-14T19:45:00.002-07:00

So I was watching SNL this weekend. It was SUPER funny. This particular sketch was the highlight of the show for me. Its Jamie Lee Curtis doing a commercial for Activia yogurt. Its the yogurt that makes you poop. FYI, so does the chemical Maltitol that's in the sugarless Hershey's chocolate that you can buy now. Anyways, she eats too much yogurt, and she poops herself. Hilarity ensues naturally. T-Bone, I thought you'd get a kick out of this fo' sho'.

Ain't No Party Like A Scientology Party!!!

2008-03-15T09:19:00.001-07:00

This video has made my life. I've watched it about 10 times already. It is video (and apparently part of a much longer DVD) of Tom Cruise's birthday party that was thrown by his BFF who happens to be the head of Scientology. But seriously....this is the BEST.VIDEO.EVER.

Also, can we talk about David Miscavige's shirt? It looks like he bought it in the Junior Miss department of Target back in 1995 when those shirts and black jeans were stylish. Also, let it be said that Tom Cruise REALLY cannot dance OR sing. But its funny when people that can't try. Also, it was good to see Tom Cruise let his sequins fly if only for one night. Oh yeah, watch for the Patented Tom Cruise Crazy Teeth to make an appearance near the end of his big number! after all, it just wouldn't be a Scientology Celebration if the Crazy Teeth didn't come out. Also, who celebrates their birthday with a live music montage of their big accomplishments? nobody I know. Loser.

I Heart Andy Samberg

2008-03-11T20:06:00.003-07:00

Everyone that knows me knows I love SNL, but the last 2 shows have been somewhat sub-par. The highlights for me are the SNL Digital Shorts. This one is totally one of my Top 5. Its got the right amount of 80's cheese, and when the mugger turns on him, I swear I lost my shit. I woke up the whole house laughting. It reminds me of that Will Ferrell sketch where he's interviewing Pierced Brosnan for a job, and he's a dink and Chris Parnell comes running in and shouts "Mr. Tarkanian...I have been lifitng weights and doing cocaine all day..I am ready!!" and then Mr. Tarkanian proceeds to murder him with a trident. It goes on just a bit too long...making it super funny. Just like this. Plus, Andy Samberg was in Hot Rod..how could you not heart Andy Samberg?

Jimmy's Revenge!! He's F@$king Ben Affleck!!

2008-02-26T06:31:00.001-08:00

OMG! Just when you thought it couldn't get any better with Matt Damon, we get Jimmy's Revenge. He's F@$king Ben Affleck. Hilarious! and how many celebrities were in it? Did you notice my boyfriend Brad Pitt dressed as a Fed Ex delivery person? Rarrrr. But in case you missed it, here's a list of all the people I remember seeing in this classic..

1) Brad Pitt
2) Robin Williams
3) Cameron Diaz
4) Christina Applegate
5) Huey Lewis
6) Big Gay Lance Bass
7) Don Cheadle
8) Those 2 douche bags from Good Charlotte
9) That douche bag from Fallout Boy whose name I can't be bothered to learn
10) Joan Jett
11) Macy Gray
12) Josh Groban

And I think that's all I can remember. But watch the video. Its awesome.

F@$king Matt Damon

2008-02-26T06:14:00.001-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows I used to hate Matt Damon, and always thought of him in more of a Team America kind of way. That was, until I saw a parody of the Bourne Ultimatum on Jimmy Kimmel Live with Mr. Matt Damon himself. Hilarious. Then, I come home from work one Friday night, and I see the video above on Jimmy Kimmel, and I almost peed myself. I'm pretty sure I'm a Matt Damon fan now because of this video. Don't get me wrong, I still think he looks slightly....off. DEFINITELY not the sexiest man alive, but he should really do more comedy.

Conan O'Brien Hates Chuck Norris Too

2007-11-24T20:56:00.001-08:00

I know I haven't posted in a while, and posting a video is a lazy persons post, but this video is funny. And I like funny. So watch it and laugh. Or I'll kill you.

BEST COMMERCIAL EVER!!!!

2007-09-17T12:11:00.001-07:00

OMG! THis might just be the best commercial ever!! Seriously...I'm pretty sure Geico has the best commercials EVER!

Pirates? Really?

2007-06-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

I love Johnny Depp, and I thought the Pirates of the Carribean movies (although I haven't seen the 3rd yet) were good and all, but I really think enough is enough with this pirate craze. Seriously. There's this new reality show on CBS called the Pirate Master. Its from the same guy who made Survivor and various other reality crap-fests. The premise is basically to take 16 or however many losers were on the waiting list to be contestants on Survivor, and throw them on a boat in the middle of the Carribean and make them do Survivor like things while dressed like pirates. I know. How original. But really, is the reality TV well tapped so dry that we have to take to stealing the thunder of a legitimately successful movie franchise to fill one hour of TV every Thursday night during the summer? Apparently we must.

What really kills me is that in the previews, they tout that only one contestant will be crowned the Pirate Master. Is this a title that's really going to get you anywhere in life? seriously? Can you imagine you shoot this show, you win, and your applying for a job in a corporate office?? how comical would that be? I imagine it would go a little something like this...

"Well Bob, I've looked over your resume, and it looks pretty good, but I'd like to know what other skills you have that you think would be beneficial to this position?"

and then Bob answers...

"Well sir, I'm not sure if you noticed or anything, but I am THE Pirate Master. Much like the Highlander, there can only be one. So you know, that alone, should um, qualify me and stuff for the job."

Then the interviewer guy replies....

"Splendid. I think I've heard all I need to. Your hired"

Yeah no. Especially not with loser contestants like this douche bag named John. He's 25, and his occupation is listed as "Scientist/Exotic Dancer". I shit you not. Have a look at the bio here http://www.cbs.com/primetime/pirate_master/bios/john.shtml and the info about the show. UBER cheese. Sadly though, cheese I've invested myself in and will probably continue to watch until the bitter end. Or until it gets cancelled due to low ratings. Whichever comes first. As a pirate would say....Tharr she blows! Garrrr.

I Got This Spam Email In My Office's General Email Inbox This Morning....

2007-05-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

Hello my friend!
I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here are bad.
Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..
My dog and I are still alive :)

There was a link to an online pharmacy attached with it, but I seriously got this as a mass email. I don't know why, but I find it highly amusing. I wonder how much business these crazy operations actually do. I'd think most people have enough common sense to not buy their prescription drugs online, but you never know. Meh. Whatev.

Maybe You Look More Like This.....

2007-03-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen my best good friend T-Bone in a while. I forgot what he looked like. I thought a picture of Tootie from the Facts Of Life might jog my memory, but it didn't. Now that I think about it, I'm sure he looks more like this.....

If You Eat At Taco Bell, You WILL Die.

2007-02-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

I've known the above statement to be true for some time now, but recently, in New Jersey, there were about 70 or more people who made a run for the border and then a mad dash to the emergency room due to e-coli ridden lettuce. Then today, I do my morning bit, and log on to the New York Post's website to read my daily gossip on Page Six, and I see a headline about rats infesting a Taco Bell/KFC combo restaurant in the Greenwich Village in New York City. The idea of rats alone are disgusting, but there were a dozen or more rats running all over the floor, over the tables, chairs, booths, counters and high-chairs in plain view of people passing by on the street. Being that the restaurant is in New York City, these rats aren't your average rats, they are Bionic New York City Super Rats, and therefore bigger and more disgusting. And as if the rats weren't bad enough, the article goes on to state that the restaurant in question has been cited multiple times in the last 3 years for evidence of rodent infestation (meaning they found rat poop upon inspection) as well as the inspector actually seeing rats scurry across the floor, and to make it worse still, that restaurant was also cited for having LIVE cockroaches!!!!! Seriously, I know its in another country, and the health rules are probably more strict here, but that is enough to ensure that I will NEVER eat at the Taco Bell ever again! As if their "beef-like product" that they try to pass off as actual beef wasn't bad enough, there's probably rodent poop in the mild sauce. Attached is a still picture of a few of the Bionic Super Rats that was snapped this morning. And a link to some video is here.....

http://video.msn.com/v/us/Money.htm?g=3BC49491-E678-42AF-A5D5-4813F599D616&t=s216&f=15/64KFCAndTacoBell&p=hotvideo_money%20top%20ten&fg=

OMG!!! A FOLLOW-UP!

2007-02-22T19:44:00.001-08:00

I just found this on the wonder that is You Tube. I haven't ever seen this follow-up commercial on TV. But it is also funny. You've gotta turn the volume up though.

Best Commercials EVER!

2007-02-22T19:40:00.001-08:00

If I ever move to the U.S. I will be getting my car insurance through Geico strictly based on these ads. I giggle my arse off every time I see it. I absolutely love this guys pissed off expressions.

Its Almost Valentines Day!

2007-02-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

And really, who among us can resist it? the flowers, the chocolate, and of course the cheesey sentimental greeting cards. The card pictured is the one I'll be sending to my "boyfriend" and "valentine" Mr. Brad Pitt. (Just jokes...I'm really not that creepy)

I Feel Bad For Laughing, But Its Funny.

2007-01-28T18:59:00.001-08:00

I am pretty sure that I'm going to hell in a hand basket for laughing at this guy who thinks he's talented, but I just can't help it. These people MUST know that they don't have any shred of talent whatsoever. But, I enjoy the way he calls his ex-wife a bitch and then shows off his fat-guy dance moves. I'm going to hell.

OMG! UPDATE!!!

2007-01-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

I've just read on the E! Online website that The O.C. may be moving to the CW network in the states! home of many other fine teen dramas that I also watch on TV. Please oh please let it be so! of course to do that, all of the actors would have to agree to sign on for another season. I'm not putting all my eggs in the new network basket, but I can hope. Viva La O.C.!!!

WORST NEWS EVER!!!!

2007-01-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

OMG! Fox is cancelling my beloved show The OC. The last episode is going to air at the end of next month. This is so upsetting. I have watched EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of the show since it came on mid summer a few years ago. I'm seriously tempted to start a massive letter writing campaign, but since they are cancelling it due to low ratings, I'm guessing it won't help. They do this to all the good teen dramas. Remember that show My So-Called Life? I remember when it came on when I was in grade 9. It was the BEST show and I had a HUGE crush on Jared Leto. He was oh so dreamy as Jordan Catalano, and then 13 episodes into that brilliant show, they cancelled it too. Such is life I suppose. At least my Thursday viewing will still include The Office and CSI. Sigh. I'll miss the OC. I guess it can live on in my DVD player. Seth Cohen Foever!

Application Accepted!!!

2007-01-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. I've been accepted to the Pacific Audio Visual Institute for September of this year. I applied, and I got in. This is so crazy. I've been going back and forth for years now deciding what to do and where to do it, and now I know what and where and now I know WHEN! I'm so excited. I wonder if it'll be like attending the South Harmon Institute of Technology? I guess I should go and get my Hobo Stab Insurance updated before I go!

So I Went To See Black Christmas Over The Weekend....

2007-01-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

And it seems that there was a difference of opinions between me and T-Bone. He hated it and I just simply thought it was "Meh"..meaning that it was a movie and I watched it. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst. T-Bone had an intense dislike for the movie and told me to think of another scary movie that sucked more than Black Christmas. So, please see the following list of ...

Scary Type Movies That I Thought Sucked More Than Black Christmas:

1) Open Water: That shitty movie about those scuba divers who get separated from their tour group and get left in the shark infested ocean and then die. The movie wasn't even 90 minutes, and it was a waste of a Handycam's time.

2) The Hills Have Eyes remake: Previews made it look awesome. It was not awesome. It was 2 hours of blood, blood and just to change it up...more blood. I honestly don't think I've seen a horror movie with more blood. Seriously. 2 hours I'm not getting back.

3) The Blair Witch Project 1 &2: These are 2 very different movies, and should probably have separate entries on the list, but for the sake of time, we'll do them both now. While I think the first Blair Witch Project was a great idea in THEORY, the movie itself sucked balls. The herky jerky camera made me want to vomit all over my lap, and just when it was starting to get good and all the spooky shit started happening, it ended. Waste of $10.00. As far as the Blair Witch 2, well, that REALLY sucked balls. It gave new meaning to the word suck. THAT was a waste of film and time and I really should sue the makers of the film for the lost 90 minutes of my life. Seriously...a CRAP FEST.

That's all I can think of for now. I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed. But those are some movies just off the top of my head that sucked more or at least as bad as Black Christmas.

Beck Rules.

2006-12-28T14:44:00.001-08:00

I have always been fairly certain of the fact that Beck does indeed rule. But last night I was flipping through channels and because Bravo will air 45 minute shows in 1 hour slots, they sometimes show cool videos to eat up the time. So being completely obsessed with his new CD "The Information" (go pick it up because its seriously kick ass)I come across the video for the song Nausea. I had never seen it before and I gotta say its awesome. Its clips like this that make me want to direct videos for a living.

Have A Happy Office Christmas

2006-12-22T08:08:00.003-08:00

This is the best show on TV. And the following is a fine example why.

Talkin' It Up On The Barry Gibb Talk Show...

2006-12-18T20:07:00.001-08:00

OMG! I really did miss the best show of the season! Not only did I miss Justin (I think he's hot and I don't know why) but I missed the return of my boyfriend Jimmy Fallon, back to kick some ass as Barry Gibb. Its his show, and its a No nonsense show. He's not taking no crap from anybody. Dare I say this is better than the second Barry Gibb skit, but not quite as good as the first.

Justin Timberlake + SNL= F@%king HILARIOUS!!!

2006-12-18T20:02:00.001-08:00

OMG! I can't believe it either, but Justin is FUNNY. I'm pretty sure Andy Samberg wrote this, but if you can appreciate the crap music that used to come out in the early to mid 90's with the Color Me Badd, and the Boyz II Men and other such crap, then you WILL get a kick out of this. As a matter of fact, if you DON'T think this is hilarious, then you must be dead or lacking a funny bone. Or something.

While We Are On The Subject Of Las Vegas....

2006-12-10T19:21:00.000-08:00

I was playing around on the Official Las Vegas Tourism Website and they have a "Be Anyone In Las Vegas " Identity tool and it lets you make up a fictional identity to impress/pick up people whilst in Las Vegas. You have to pick your attributes and a name, and a home town. Once you do this, it will come up with an impressive profession, a back story as to why your in town, a printable business card with a working 1-800 number and a certificate proving your credentials. Its pretty neat for a Tourism website. Check it out. I did it and my alternate identity was Summer a smart, sassy Hip Hop producer/promoter, and I was in town trying to meet other female Hip Hop producers to start my own Hip Hop label. I worked for Non Phat Records. Too bad I hate Hip Hop. But try it for yourself.

http://www.visitlasvegas.com/vegas/features/be-anyone/index.jsp

Some Useless Info About Las Vegas...Use It At A Party And Make Your Friends Think Your Lame!

2006-12-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

So in honor of the fact that it is 4 more days until my trip to Las Vegas, I thought I'd post some random "Fun Facts" about Las Vegas as found on the official Las Vegas Tourism website.

1. When Paul Anka first played Vegas, he was too young to be in the Casino.

2. In Nevada, it is mandatory that video slot machines pay a minimun 75% on average.

3. Vegas Vic, the enourmous neon cowboy that towers over Fremont Street, is the worlds largest mechanical neon sign.

4. 17 of the 20 biggest hotels in the U.S. are in Las Vegas.

5. Howard Hughes stayed at the Desert Inn for so long that he was asked to leave. He bought the hotel.

So there you have it. 5 completely useless facts about Las Vegas that you didn't know 2 minutes ago.

Oh What Happened To You Val Kilmer?

2006-12-07T19:21:00.001-08:00

Oh what happened indeed. I used to have the WORST case of raging hot pants for this man. Grade 9, I saw Batman Forever 7 FREAKING TIMES in the theatre! 7!!!!! it was because he was so freaking hot then, and he was hot when he played Jim Morrison in The Doors, he was hot when he played Iceman opposite Maybe Gaybe Cruise in Top Gun, and he was hot in Heat as a bank robber, he was hot in pretty much everything. Then he backed out of the Batman sequel and started to pick shitty movies and became wierd and sketchy in interviews. Soon we stopped seeing him in movies and such except for the odd one here and there, and then a few months ago, I was flipping through channels and I stopped for a second on Vision TV (the religious channel) because I saw Val Kilmer. He was reading the Bible and giving Bible lessons in a religious infomercial. Oh how the mighty have fallen when they start doing infomercials. Look at Cher. She's a perfect example. She had an Oscar, and then she started hawking the Laurie Davis Hair Care System and now look. But there is hope for Val Kilmer. I saw him 2 weeks ago on Jimmy Kimmel, and he was normal and even funny. He was there to promote his new movie with Denzel Washington. I don't remember what its called, but its one I might actually go and see. So let's all hope this means that the Val Kilmer of the late 80's to early 90's comes back, and religious infomercial Val is gone for good.

Will It Blend Marbles???

2006-12-07T19:10:00.001-08:00

This is quite possibly the coolest, most powerful blender in the history of the universe. Not only will it shred some balls, but watch..nay, MARVEL at its awesome power as it reduces 50 marbles to a mere pile of dust. I want one, but its like $400.00. Plus, it should also be singled out for the shitty production value and the terrible background music. Plus the host Tom Dickson is SOOO BLAND. There is no other word to describe him other than bland. Even his excited face at the beginning where he is supposed to be getting the viewer pumped up falls far short of energetic. Its kind of like he's got a guy standing behind the camera with a grenade and the guy with the grenade is telling him to look excited or he's gonna drop the grenade and Tom Dickson is trying to look excited on the outside, but on the inside he feels like he's gonna crap his pants.

Will It Blend? Part One

2006-12-06T17:34:00.001-08:00

Wow...so just surfing the internet, I came across this gem. Its this crazy blender that will shred pretty much anything you put into it. I swear everytime I see that Coke can go in the blender I lose it. Also please note the cheesey production values, and the shitty theme music. With my luck, I'll spend $20,000 on my film education and end up producing crap like this. But its still cool to watch. More to follow tomorrow from work.

Wierd Al...Still Givin' Er

2006-12-06T17:28:00.001-08:00

Have a look at the above video. Its Wierd Al's latest and its awesome. Seriously, check out Donny Osmond dancing like a freak about half way through the video. It kills me everytime. Plus, how cool is it that Wierd Al has been making kick ass parodies since 1979?! Viva La Al!!!!

Mmmmm....More Cheese

2006-11-28T20:37:00.001-08:00

So as long as I'm seeking out the cheesey videos of my youth, I thought I'd showcase the cheesey goodness of yet another member of the Whalberg family. Although, please note that Marky Mark does make several appearances throughout this video. But seriously, this was the New Kids attempt to change their image from bubblegum boy-band to "tough" and "serious" artists. I don't think it worked. The video Ho's all look like they were plucked right from the local mall and told to look control themselves, and the ones who look bored were probably paid "professional dancers" (cough cough Stripers) who were told to look impressed. What's sad? the fact that I still like the song. What's even more sad than that? the fact that I can still recite every word of the rap in the middle of the song on command. What's more sad than that? their little "gangsta" rap that called out all the New Kids "haters" was supposed to prove to everyone that they are "serious hip-hop" artists. That got them about as much street cred as Vanilla Ice. Maybe a bit more. I don't know about you, but I sure wouldn't want to meet little Joey Joe McIntire in a dark alley, he might bust a cap in my ass.

I Think Chris Pronger Sucks...But For Unspecified Personal Reasons.

2006-11-28T16:47:00.000-08:00

For Edmonton Oiler fans, today is the day. Today is the day that Chris Pronger returns to the City of Champions as one of Coach Bombay's Mighty Ducks. For those of you that don't recall the situation, the Oilers had a PHENOMINAL season last year, made it to GAME 7 of the Stanley Cup FINALS, and about 30 seconds after the season ended, Chris Pronger asked the Oiler management for a trade, despite just signing a multi-year contract to stay put here in Edmonton. He asked for the trade, but wouldn't say why. All the media and Joe HockeyFan on the street got from him was "I have requested a trade for unspecified personal reasons". The "Unspecified Personal Reasons" it seems were a princess wife, and the fact that he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Now, here's where I have some issues, First, everyone is saying that he was so instrumental in getting us to the playoffs last year. I have five words for you: Smyth, Horcoff, Pisani, Hemsky, Roloson. Chris Pronger was a big help to us in that he is a big guy and he helped make big plays. He was not instrumental in our success, I seem to remember hockey being about the TEAM, and when compared to the contributions of the team-mates I named above, (especially Roloson), Pronger wasn't that great. He had only a couple goals and assists during the playoff run, and wasn't much of a prescence. So, having the Oiler management and various newspaper columnists ask us fans to keep in mind the "contribution" he made to the team and to be respectful and not boo him is a bit out of line. He's an over-rated player, and his contribution to the team was also over-rated.

Second, if the rumors are true, and he did manage to knock up an A-Channel weather girl or a 17 year old (depends on who you talk to), Would the move to Anaheim from Edmonton really fix the problem of him not being able to keep it in his pants? Doesn't the L.A. area have MUCH better looking chicks to offer? If he couldn't keep it in his pants here in Edmonton, does his wife REALLY think he'll be able to manage to NOT screw anything with a skirt? I think not. So, as such for being a lame-ass, and being over-rated, and for being a cheating douche-bag, Chris Pronger not only deserves to be Booed, he deserves ALL the heckling and LOUD Booing we can manage to throw his way. But, that being said, let's keep it tasteful shall we Edmonton? No profanity, nothing TOO personal. Just some good old fashioned Jeering.

Have An Ambiguously Gay Holiday!

2006-11-25T17:21:00.001-08:00

Seeing as how today it is officially one month until Christmas Day, I thought I'd put everyone in a happy-cheerey-holiday type of mood with this kick ass gem. Enjoy it Bitches.

OMG! I'm Pretty Sure I'm Done With The Cold

2006-11-25T17:13:00.000-08:00

Seriously. NO MORE COLD! I thought this was supposed to be an El Nino winter? so far its been a day time high of -23 with a windchill. Humans were not meant to live in these cold conditions. I hate winter. The image to the left pretty sums up my feelings about the season. I can't wait until I am in the Sunny and HOT desert of Nevada. Less than 20 more days. WOO.

A Classic...As Told By The Simpsons.

2006-11-23T19:28:00.001-08:00

So as you can tell, I'm completely obsessed with the posting of the YouTube stuff to my blog. So this is a bit of a long clip, but its one of my faves, and good for some laughs.

Marky Mark Is One Tough Mofo.

2006-11-23T17:27:00.001-08:00

So just for shits and giggles, and because I heard it on the radio, I thought I'd share this Gem from I think 1992? I don't know dates, but I do know that the Cheese-Factor is high with this one..but I loved it still. Plus, its got Donnie Whalberg singing the Oohhh's, and its got about 5 words to the whole song. If you can remember "Come on, Come on" and "Feel it, Feel it" then your set. So, enjoy this 4 1/2 minute crap fest and try not to OD on all the Cheesey Goodness.

Jeers To BlockBuster Video.

2006-11-21T16:51:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I will never go to BlockBuster Video again. I know I always say that, and I always went back, but that's because they had no late fees. Now that Rogers has no late fees as well, I really have no reason to go the BlockBuster....Now more than ever. You see, I have always found their customer service to be terribly lacking, lacking in a sense that its pretty much non-existant. I remember about a year or more ago, I was wanting to rent a little movie called The Pacifier. I know its kind of a stupid movie, but I like stupid movies, plus, its Vin Diesel and a duck, what's not to love? But I digress, I went to get the movie, and it wasn't there. This being one of their "Guaranteed Rentals" I went up to the counter and asked if they had anymore copies of the movie and the guy checked and said no and said I get it free next time and then walked away. He was completely oblivious to the fact that I still had 2 more movies in my hand to pay for. So, I left them on the counter and left the store. I didn't go back there for quite a while until I had accumulated enough late fees at Rogers to support a small country.

So, today, I figured I'd give the old Blockbuster another try. I go in, see what I'm looking for except for one movie that has no copies on the shelf. I wait in the ENDLESS line up and its finally my turn to pay. I get to the counter and ask the guy if they have any copies of the movie Accepted. He checks the computer and says no there are none on the shelf, and asks if I have infact checked the shelf. I say yes I have checked and then I point out that its a "Guaranteed Rental" and ask if he can check the bin to see if any have been returned. Well, you'd swear I asked him to saw off his own arm and then beat himself silly with it, because I don't think I've ever heard louder or more pronounced SIGH in my life. So he shuffles his fat ass over to the drop box and proceeds to take the next 7 years to look for the movie. Finally, after about what seemed like hours, he comes back with the movie. He then takes the other two movies I had picked out to rent and puts them on the cart to be put back on the shelf. I said "Excuse me, I still want those" and he gives me a look of death. He rings all the movies in, I rented 3, but he charged me for 2 only and doesn't realize this until after my debit card has already been approved. He tells me the error, and as I explain that as I don't want to pay another $1.50 service charge on my debit card due to his fuck up, I'll only rent two movies and we'll be even-steven. He gets upset with me and informs me that the charge for the movie is not a "Service Charge" and that I have to pay it. I then tried to explain to him that I know its not a service charge, and that I don't want to pay the service charge that comes from paying for things on my DEBIT CARD, and since he only charged me for 2 movies, I'd just rent 2 not 3. He is apparently without brains, as this didn't sink in. He then started saying that I had 4 movies and he only charged me for 3, and I said NO, I have 3 movies. Then he just got angry with me and sent me on my way with all 3 movies and only paying for 2. But seriously, its not freaking rocket science. I hate stupid people.

EEEEEEE!!!!!!

2006-11-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

OMG! Only 35 more days until T-Bone and I go to the Las Vegas. I shit you not, I am so excited I think I could vomit all over the place with anticipation. That also means that its 37 more days until I am safely on a flight home, and my buddy T-Bone will be in the Nevada desert next to a cactus with no eyes. Ain't life grand?

Mmmm.....Jackpots.

2006-11-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

Here are the estimated Jackpots of certain slots in Vegas. I hope to win one of them when I go.
Even the lady below is shocked!

Megabucks
$10,793,990

Quartermania
$2,716,588

Wheel of Fortune (Five Cents)
$6,857,788

Wheel of Fortune (Quarters)
$222,269

Wheel of Fortune (Fifty Cent)
$1,242,192

Wheel of Fortune (Dollars)
$3,298,648

Wheel of Fortune (Five Dollar)
$1,654,122

Jeopardy!
$496,935

Elvis Quarters
$195,635

The Addams Family
$2,331,031

Family Feud Video Slots
$1,903,989

The Hotness Returns.....

2006-11-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

And lets just say it came back with a bang! have you seen the recent pics of him? I have to say, I still can't stand Angelina Jolie, but whatever it is that she's done to him, its working in his favor. He looks freakin HOT. I think he's back at Number 1 on my Official List Of Hotness..take a look and see if you agree. Grrrrrrrrr.

Mr. T Has A Reality Show Too....

2006-10-31T09:32:00.000-08:00

So because every washed up has-been douche bag from the 70's and 80's is getting a reality show, Mr. T apparently saw the over-crowded, over-saturated reality show market and said "Me Too" and stuck his red, white and blue Converse covered foot through the door. The premise: A show called "I Pity The Fool", a little nod to his catch phrase from the 80's. In this show Mr. T dispatches advice and acts the part of the "motivational guru" to steer fans needing help/change in the right direction. The result: 30 minutes I'll never ever get back again.

Honestly, if you had a disease or needed help kicking an addiction or losing weight or something, would you REALLY turn to Mr. T of all people? I know if I were in need of help or inspiration, I certainly would not sign up for an ass whoopin' from B.A. Baracus. I Pity The Fool who actually watches and takes this crap seriously. We all loved Rocky and the A-Team, but Mr. T should recognize that his 15 minutes are up and no shitty reality show in the world can change that. What's next? a reality show featuring Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver giving you helpful yet practical tips for everyday circumstances? Actually, that might not be so bad.

Roulette...The Non Russian Kind.

2006-10-30T15:30:00.000-08:00

Part 2 in the PurpleMonkey Gambling Tutorial is Roulette. The game with the wheel and the little marble that goes round and round and round and round and round....until someone pukes. OK probably no vomit, but it is the basic point of the game. But we aren't here for vomit and basics are we? NO! we want the dirt..the real nitty gritty of Roulette playing..so here it is.

ROULETTE

So this is actually a pretty simple game, to get started, you need to buy Roulette chips from the dealer at your table. With a whole table of losers throwing chips around on the table, you want the dealer to be able to distinguish YOUR lucky chips from those of the dirty douch bags that are sitting next to you. The Dealer will also make sure your chip is worth the amount you paid for them. Once you have finished playing at that table, remember to change your chips back as other Dealers at other tables will have no freaking clue what denomination your chips are supposed to be. Once you've purchased your chippies, place your bet where you think the marble will land. There are 2 types of bets for you to place...an Inside Bet and an Outside Bet.

On an Inside Bet, you can bet 1,2,3,4,5 or 6 numbers, and it breaks down like this....

1 Number- You place your bet/chip on one specific number

2 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on a line between 2 numbers

3 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on the outside line of the row of 3 numbers

4 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on the corner connecting 4 numbers

5 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on the line connecting the 0, 00, 1, 2, 3. This is the ONLY 5 number bet on the Roulette table.

6 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on the outside line of 2 rows of 3 numbers.

On an Outside Bet, It breaks down like this:

Dozens: The chip is placed on the box marked 1st 12, 2nd 12, or 3rd 12. The winning number must hit within the dozen range of your bet. 0 or 00 would losing numbers.

Columns: The chip is placed at the bottom of the long column of numbers. The winning number must hit within the column of your bet. 0 and 00 would be losing numbers.

Red Or Black: The chip is placed on the box marked Red or Black, referring to the background color of the winning number. 0 and 00 would be losing numbers.

Odd or Even: The chip is placed on the box marked Odd or Even, referring to the winning number. 0 and 00 would be losing numbers, 1-18 or 19-36, the chip is placed in the box marked 1-18 or 19-36. The winning number must hit within the range of your bet.

And the payoffs you ask? well they work like this:

Wager/Payoff

One number-35:1

Two numbers-17:1
Three numbers-11:1
Four numbers-8:1
Five numbers-6:1
Six numbers-5:1

Dozens-2:1
Columns-2:1
Red or Black-1:1
Odd or Even-1:1
1-18 or 19-36- 1:1

I'm Ritchie Cunningham, and This Is My Wife...Oprah.

2006-10-30T09:59:00.000-08:00

Remember that scene in the first Austin Powers movie where he and Vanessa just get to the casino and they find Number 2 and are playing blackjack and Austin has no clue what's going on and says "Hit me" even though he has 18? well we here at PurpleMonkeyDishwasher want to spare you the humiliation of being a Blackjack Idiot. Simply read the PurpleMonkey Gambling Tutorial below and you too can play like Number 2.

BLACK JACK

Sure we've all seen it in the movies before, some Rico Suave looking dude in a black tux, drinking some trendy drink, making high bets and saying "Hit me" and then walking away from the table with thousands more than he came in the joint with. Well, I'm sure in the High Rollers room, it may look like that, but in the "Real" world, the Black Jack table and the rest of the casino will be crawling with Hillbillies, Seniors and Hookers all looking to win YOUR hard earned money. This tutorial is designed to give even the slowest of monkeys a bit of an edge. And yes, I am one of the slowest monkeys there is, and if I get it, so will you. So let's get to it.

The basic idea of Black Jack is to have your hand be higher than the dealers hand without going over the magic number of 21. First thing you have to do is check your tables minimum bet, and then place said bet in the appropriate circle or square on the table. If you f**k up and place your bet incorrectly, the dealer will point out what a loser you are and you will suffer some public humiliation. Once said humiliation dies down, you and the dealer will both be dealth 2 cards. One of the dealers cards faces up and the other down. Most casinos will deal YOUR cards to you face up. If this is the case, DO NOT TOUCH YOUR CARDS. If your cards are dealt to you face down, you CAN touch your cards, but only with one hand. This is because casinos are paranoid of Ol' Joe Cheater, from Cedar Rapids. Cards hold their face value in this game with face cards equal to 10 and an Ace is equal to either 1 or 11. Whichever is more beneficial to you at the time.

Once all the cards have been dealt, the dealer will look to the first player to his left for a decision as to wheather or not the player is going to "Hit" or "Stand" if you choose Hit, you accept another card, or Standing is...well, standing. If you don't get what Standing means, maybe you should just quit now. After the first player the dealer keeps moving left to all other subsequent players. If you decide to take a "Hit" scratch your finger on the table top and the dealer will shoot you another card. If you "Stand" simply wave your hand over the cards and the dealer will pass you over...or think you passed gas. You may have as many additional cards as you like, keeping in mind the point of the game is to not go over 21, so don't be retarded about it. The dealer will play his hand once all the players have completed their hands. He will reveal the face down card, and if his initial 2 cards total is 16 or less, he must take as many cards as it takes to push him over the 17 mark. However, if 2 card total is between 17-21, the dealer must stand. The dealer will Bust if his additional cards cause his total to go over 21.

If you lose your hand against the Dealer, you lose your moo-la. If you win your hand against the Dealer, you win even money. If you receive a natural BlackJack (2 cards consisting of an ace and 10), you win 1 1/2 times your original betsky. If the Dealer gets a natural BlackJack, its a Push., and a Push is kinda like a tie. You don't win, but you don't lose either. Another option of play for shittier cards is to Split A Pair. For example, if you have two 7's, you can match your original wager, split the pair and play them as 2 separate hands. And that kiddies, are the basics of BlackJack. By following these easy steps, you too can be a Black Jack Superstar. Kinda like James Bond or Austin Powers. Probably more like Austin Powers. We can't all be snotty British spies you know.

Viva Las Vegas!

2006-10-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

SO excited! my best good friend T-Bone and I are headed out to the Nevada desert to eat, drink, and play the sluts...well that's really supposed to be Slots, but if you've ever seen Beavis and Butthead Do America, you know what I'm talking about. Only 46 more days until the land of gambling, hookers, outlet malls and celebrity impersonators! And maybe a little CSI or a trip to Area 51? Who the heck knows.

This Post Is Brought To You In SpookyVision.

2006-10-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

Its Halloween, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Halloween. Its cool cause you can dress up and eat candy and they always show the scary movies on the TV. This whole last week has kicked some ass as AMC has shown ALL (well except the 2 newest ones) of the Halloween movies. Although 3 shouldn't count as part of the franchise as it didn't even have Michael Myers in it. WTF is that all about? Last night A Nightmare On Elm Street was on, but I still can't watch that. It still scares the hell out of me, and tonight, all 3 Exorcist movies are on, and tomorrow The Shining and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are both on TV. Its the one time of year where you can gorge yourself on Reeces Peanut Butter Cups and watch pointless gore and cheap scares on TV and frankly, I'm all for it. Please note that in the spirit of the season, this post has been brought to you in SpookyVision. I, much like the South Park guys can think of nothing more bone chilling and frightening than Babs herself. So, I hope you can sleep tonight after reading this in SpookyVision, but we here at PurpleMonkeyDishwasher will assume no legal responsibility for any permanent psychological scarring and or dementia as a result of the SpookyVision. Just know that we employ the same crack team of lawyers that represent Tom Cruise and the crazy Church Of Scientology. I can't actually back that up, but it sounds scary as hell.

And Don't Call Me Shirley....

2006-10-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

I have the worst name in the entire world. No one ever gets it right. Ever.

Case point #1: A lady that gets her printing done with the company I work for calls up every morning around 8:20am and asks to speak to her sales rep who is never there at 8:20am. Every morning she always greets me with a "Oh Hi Deb! How are you this morning?" or "How are you Debbie dear?" which would be fine.....if my name were Debbie. It is not.

Case point #2: I go to night school and I study TV Broadcasting, and my instructor has no idea what my name is. Half the time he calls me Emily and the other half of the time when he sees the attendance list and sees that my name is Sondra, he gets close and for the rest of the night, he calls me Sonya...which is also, not my name.

Case point #3: About 4 years ago, when I worked as a switch board operator at the Westin Hotel, an older lady a few years from retirement worked with me in the morning, her name was Donna. She also had no clue what my name was. She called me Heather. She would get angry when I didn't answer her as she was shouting "Heather!". That is because Heather is not my name.

Am I just so invisible that no one notices me or cares to learn my name? or is it that my name is so bloody hard to say? I don't think it is. Quite frankly, I think people are just lazy and ignorant. Takes too much time to learn a name. Might interfere with all that ass picking they have to do later. I think people just suck.

And Now, Its Time For A "Schrute-ism"

2006-10-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

"I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? "

-Dwight Schrute

Morsels From Mr. Burns

2006-09-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

Since I love the Simpsons and I can't find anymore good Krusty Quotes, I must start ripping off good quotes from other characters. So here are this weeks Morsels From Mr. Burns, Enjoy!

"Mr.Burns: (To Homer)One more thing...You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon!"
Smithers: "Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment."
Mr.Burns: "And the road maps, and the driving gloves?!"
Smithers: "Yes, sir."
Mr.Burns: "Then its all falling into place!"

******************************************************

Mr. Burns: "Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons."

******************************************************

Mr. Burns: "Woah, slow down there maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?"

I Found The Jade Monkey And Got $100 For My Troubles...

2006-09-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

Yep, I went a gamblin' tonight. My sister and I went to the Agryll Casino and I played the nickel slots. I was attracted to a machine called The Jade Monkey, but only because it reminded me of the Simpsons when Mr. Burns was telling Smithers "You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon" and then Mr. Smithers says "Actually, we found the Jade Monkey, it was in your glove compartment". So I thought of that and I had myself a giggle and plugged in a $20 bill. It was the second and last $20 bill I would be playing. I managed to keep winning enough credits to play for about a half hour. Then I started losing. I thought "That's it, after I lose these 33 credits, I'm done." Then I played 9 lines and 1 bet per line and I got 3 Jade Monkeys and I got the Bonus Game! The bonus game is where you make your money. I got to pick 3 spaces and those spaces revealed my spins, the points multiplier, and something else, so I did the 3 spins and I won 150 more credits! Hot Dog! I was on a roll, then I used up all 3 spins and on the last one, I got another 16 free spins! What a day! at this rate, I could play for hours!, so after 16 spins, and a total of over 2000 credits, I decided that I should just take what I had and walk away. So after about a gazillion quarters came spewing forth from the machine, I took my bucket o' coins and walked over to the cashier and came out with $100 dirty dirty dollars. And that was my night of fun at the casino.

Krusty's Komment

2006-09-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

Because I'm a freak about the Simpsons, I am going to put weekly inspirational words of wisdom and other good nuggets on here. So here is the first ever Krusty's Komment:

"Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy, with a prostate the size of a goats head"

-Krusty The Clown

Crack Is Whack....And So Is Bobby Brown..

2006-09-14T15:13:00.000-07:00

What I am about to reveal is a secret. Not a terrible secret, but a surprising one. I Like Whitney Houstons music. I have since the 80's and up to her last effort a few years ago. I saw the Bodyguard and bought and memorized the soundtrack album. She has the biggest voice and her songs are catchy, so screw you if you make fun of me for liking her. So it was a bit upsetting to see her go from the top of the heap to the bottom thanks to the crack and that douchebag Bobby Brown. Well it seems there is hope as now Whitney has apparently woken up, and actually realized that "Crack is Whack" because it looks like she's kinda gotten clean and now she's divorcing the aforementioned douchebag.... Let's hope for a comeback....because without Whitney, we're stuck with Mariah "Boobs" Carey and Celine "Chest Thumper" Dion to rule the world of Adult Contemporary music...and I dislike them both. Viva La Whitney!

What's In The PurpleMonkey CD Player?

2006-09-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

A fine question. Its an UBER hot band from England called Keane. Perhaps you've heard their super snappy hit song "Is It Any Wonder". They are kinda like U2 meets Coldplay meets the Kaiser Chiefs. I swear if you buy the CD called Under The Iron Sea you will lose your sh*t. Check out the website. www.keanemusic.com

Mantracker Rules!

2006-09-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

Reality TV is starting to get good again. Pretty much anything on A&E is good (Except for that crappy King of Cars show. What the hell is that?) and even MTV has some good reality shows. But the one I'm most obsessed with at the moment is on the Outdoor Life Network or "OLN" if you will, and its called Mantracker and its freakin awesome!

Its this dude on a horse and a local area guide who knows the terrain. The dude on the horse is the "Mantracker" and he only has his horse, his knowledge and his jaunty hat to catch the "Prey". The "Prey" are two people male or female on a team together and they have a head start and they take off on foot and try to make it to the finish without getting caught by the "Mantracker". It sounds lame, and the people that sign up to be the "Prey" don't win anything other than bragging rights, but I just can't stop watching it. You should watch it too. Its on Sunday evenings on channel 46. Below is the Mantracker. Terry something is his name.

If Anyone Needs Me, I'll Be Over In The Corner Writing A Strongly Worded Letter To Marky Mark.

2006-08-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

I thought Marky Mark could do no wrong. His brother was a new kid, he had that one good song in the 90's, those Calvin Klein ads and the kick ass movies. Then he made a little show called Entourage. If you'd like to know my feelings on the show, we'll just say I LOVE IT!!! quite possibly one of the best shows EVER! and I watch a lot of TV so if I say its good, its good. So I guess your wondering my problem, and the problem is Kevin Federline. Yes, K-Fed, the gold digging douche bag who knocked up poor Britney Spears twice and thus insuring money for many more years to come. This dink thinks he's a rapper? fine. Let him think he has talent, at least most people with a pulse and half a brain will know that he sucks. But now, this dirty stinky "Gangsta" (and I use the term VERY loosely) is getting roles on TV, and on some of MY shows no less!! he's going to be on the season opener of CSI because wifey probably called in a favor. If I were a casting director, I wouldn't even put him in a porn movie he's that much of a douche. Whatever though, I can deal with his being on CSI, maybe he'll be the dead guy and John Mayers guest spot should hopefully erase the uglies left by Kevin. But what makes me want to vomit with rage is the fact that he's now signed on to Entourage for 3 episodes to play of all things..wait for it....A Gold Digging Husband! What a stretch! WTF is wrong with Hollywood and HBO and Marky Mark??? seriously? are all the studio cutbacks affecting productions SO BADLY that they have to go out and hire Kevin Federline? and then give the bastard a 3 freaking episode arc?? Really! he probably can't act his way out of a wet paper bag! and if he weren't Mr. Britney Spears, do you honestly think the producers would even give him a call back to come and empty the trash? I don't think so. I guess in the mean time, all I can do is write strongly worded letters to Hollywood, Marky Mark and HBO....and pray to Jebus that Britney wakes the f*$k up and divorces his gross dirty ass.

Below is a picture of K-Fed lounging by the pool.....no...don't thank me, its a service I provide.

$600 Later.....

2006-08-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Yep...$600.00 later my car is ALMOST upto 100%. It seems that after the "brakes" and the "control arm" on my car went I still need a tire rod or something like that. Who really cares what its supposed to be called, lets call it what it really is: Another $200.00. Damn it! I hate having a car sometimes. But when I start to think like that, I always remember that it could be much, much worse. I could be taking public transportation. I took the bus once. It was almost empty and some douche bag that hadn't bathed in about a millennium who reeked of freshly cut lumber and tomato soup sat next to me. I had to open the window. Then I couldn't take the smell anymore and I had to move. I hate the bus. I love my car. Although mine isn't quite as saucy as the hot little number above (I do think the purple would be nicer than the red I have) and it has less rust, I would still rather hug and kiss some poisonous snakes than take public transportation. The End.

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Some Useless Info About Las Vegas...Use It At A Party And Make Your Friends Think Your Lame!

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Will It Blend? Part One

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